I’m in a season of upside down and backwards. Everything is being questioned.
Am I sure I want this person in my life? Am I sure I want to be married one day? Am I sure I’m supposed to study for that degree? Am I sure God exists? Am I certain I heard God in regards to my future? Am I positive that I’m not supposed to accept that job offer? Do I have any clue about what to do next? How do I know that I know that I know that God loves me? Should I continue praying? Does God really answer prayers? Is life even worth living anymore?
Even though everything is being questioned and it seems I should feel as though I’m living in complete chaos, I’m actually in complete peace. For the first time in my entire life, I’m not trying to tie up loose ends and control the next phase of my life. For the first time, I’m sitting back and allowing God to lead me. I should feel scared and stressed, yet I feel joy and at peace. Why? How?!
Isn’t it interesting how in a season of feeling like everything is upside down and should be out of control, it’s actually… not? This is one of the most difficult seasons of my life thus far, but I’m so incredibly grateful for this time. I’m learning to question everything, and get the answer from God. I’ve questioned in the past, but I always searched and discovered the answer to my own questions. This time, I’m allowing God to reveal to me the deep rooted questions I’ve had for years – I’m letting myself go to the darkest places of my mind – and instead of creating an answer for myself, I’m letting God answer.
I’m referring to this season as upside down and backwards because it’s completely opposite from the way I’ve lived my entire life. I’ve always been a control freak when it comes to decisions in my life. I’ve always believed what I’ve been told about who God is. I’ve always followed. I’m beginning to understand what the Apostle Paul meant when he praised God for the hardships in 2 Corinthians. Most people have heard the famous scriptures of Paul announcing his newfound “joy” in hardships and struggles. We’ve all praised his proper, thankful mindset and approach. But how many of us have actually approached a hurt with thanksgiving? How many of us have the first instinct to praise God when our heart is broken or a financial issue arises? Maybe you’re holier than me, but my first reaction is much less a heart of praise and much more a heart of accusing and trying to make sense of the situation.
This season has everything to do with God wrecking the shaky foundation I’ve been living on, and creating a solid foundation in Him. For that, I couldn’t be more grateful. I say, bring on the questions. Bring on the struggles. Bring on the pain. Bring on the hardships. As challenging as this time is, I’ve grown so much closer to the Lord in the past month alone. Instead of wishing and hoping to be out of this season, I’m sitting back and trusting God’s plan. He’s doing so much in me during this upside-down, backwards season. I hope this wild ride with the Lord never ends.
“Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
— 2 Corinthians 12:8-10